Author: simpleblessingsllcmn

I have one goal for next week…well, I have a few but this one is the topic of today. Next week I will not hurt myself.

Yea, so I did it again this week. I did something normal and ended up getting hurt. I don’t like that I thought about having my own personal medical shed. It is a big exaggeration, yes, but still, a thought that came to mind.

The story goes like this:
I was getting ready for bed. I was walking around my room and making my way towards my bed. Now when I get to my bed I usually hop-up. It is a taller bed and not easily attainable by just sitting on it. So I hopped up. Well, I tried anyway, I didn’t make it all the way. My foot was killing me! Golly Wally, it hurt so bad! Turns out, I sprained my foot while I was trying to hop onto my bed. So yea, I am feeling great!

That last sentence was sarcasm…if you didn’t catch that 🙂

I was so disappointed in myself. I still am but not as bad, I have started to move on. At the moment, however, I was so upset with myself! How on earth did I sprain my foot while doing something I do daily, if not multiple times a day. I don’t get it. I don’t understand it.

So yes, my goal for next week is to not hurt myself.

I have depended on my mom and aunt again this week to help me prepare the house. Though I truly love them and appreciate them SO much, I want to be able to do my work. I love when they come to help but I prefer they come on their terms, not me calling or texting saying “I can’t walk.” or “I can’t stand on my foot.” The complaining is getting very tiresome. I am not used to depending on others, I don’t really like it. Asking for help is getting easier, however.

Today I am doing things on my own. I am bringing breakfast upstairs, I am cleaning a room. I can do this. My foot was MUCH better last night. I went to the Chiropractor and she was stretching and messing with my foot. Last night it felt almost back to normal! It was swollen sure but I could walk on it with very little limp!!! It was very exciting 🙂 This morning is a different story however, it hurts again. We are going to do it then elevate and ice after breakfast.

Yes, I have been taking care of it not just ignoring it. I will elevate it, stay off of it when I can, ice it. The whole thing 🙂

Ok, I have to go, breakfast should have been started a few minutes ok. YEEK!

What a week it has been. This is a bit dramatic but I am a different person today than I was on Sunday.

Sunday

I woke up at my parent’s house, spent a little while watching the dogs play, and tried to avoid getting in the way.

I left their house a little before they did. I went to LC, they went to church. I did go to church but later that morning for late service.

After church, a friend and I went to Red Wing and ran some errands. It was so fun. I love shopping with other people even if it is to find bolts at Menards and groceries at Walmart.

After our errands, we stopped at Culver’s and picked up food for lunch. We took our lunches down by the river. It was so pretty! We ate, talked, laughed, and thanked the Lord He brought us to the same church.

After our lunch, we headed back home but stopped in Frontenac at a cute little shop. I got out of the car, walked towards the building, walked up the steps walked into the shop and I couldn’t stand up. My back went out when I walked into the shop. OK. Not a huge deal, I worked it out, stretched, and though I was in pain I was able to stand up straight after a while I was able to breathe and laugh I was ok. Well, we went back into the car and arrived at my house. She helped me carry in my groceries (thank you thank you thank you!!!!!) After I finished putting them away I laid down on my bed for a while trying to stretch. It was so weird, I couldn’t twist I could barely get up after that to get ice (I had talked to my mom about what to do. She said to ice it.)

OK. I made it through the afternoon, I made dinner, I talked to a friend, I moved to the recliner. I was doing ok.

Monday

Sunday night went ok. I spent the whole night sleeping flat on my back. Wasn’t great. I woke up super early and spent most of my extra time icing and stretching.

I went to work for an hour or so, called the chiropractor, and headed to Wabasha for my appointment. Got it laughed at the silly moment and situation then went out to my car on my way. I spent the majority of my day switching between heat and ice. Walking to the bathroom and the kitchen trying not to twist or lift too much.

That was hard. I talked to some friends I watched some of my favorite childhood movies (Princess Diaries I and II) and tried to work on loosening my back. I was feeling pretty good that afternoon and night.

Tuesday

All I wanted to do was wear pants.

I woke up feeling really good. I was chipper, I was able to move and I didn’t have any pain. I was so relieved I was in the clear. I took a shower. All was well! I dried off. All was well! Yup, you got it, I tried to put on pants and on the floor, I was hugging the toilet. I was able to work my way over to a space I could lay down to stretch out the reaction. Well, I was on the floor for about an hour trying to stretch, relax, and eventually get back up.

Well, I did get back up but then I couldn’t stand up straight. That took another 20 minutes or so. I called in to work long ago saying I was out for the day.

My mom came (thank you thank you thank you!!!!) and helped me with some chores and a big smile to help guide me. She had spent much of the hour with me talking things through what to do next learning how my body reacts to certain positions.

By the time she got here, I was up and standing straight and went through a cycle or two of ice and heat. I spent much of my morning in my recliner (I would be lost without that purchase…) until my chiropractor appointment. I don’t get embarrassed easily which is very good…because I threw my back out for the second time in a week trying to put on pants. The first one was walking into a store. Y’all! This is ridiculous!

OK. We finish at the chiropractor and run over to the grocery store to pick up a few things. Of course, it ends up being a little more than we planned. This is the point I realized I don’t like not being able to do things for myself. And since that moment it has become more and more relevant.

My amazing mom is walking around the store with her arms full of groceries and we decide to have pizza for lunch…from the frozen section. I reach up to grab it. First of all, it is in the way back of the shelf, second OUCH! I was so frustrated. As I was reaching to try grabbing my mom was saying “Kristina, Kristina, Kristina” behind me. I wanted to help. I wanted to do something. I felt ridiculous! I couldn’t grab a pizza from the back of the shelf.

I am 22 years old. I threw my back out walking into a shop and pulling on pants. I have been no help around my own house, I have called into work causing my boss and colleague to cover for me because I can’t get up. I don’t get it. I don’t like it. I want to change it. I have been nursing my back for days and I don’t see much improvement.

Wednesday

I threw my back out slightly walking up the stairs. ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? I didn’t take a shower, instead, I rotate between heat and ice for an hour calling into work to cover for me. I did make it to work today which made me feel better. Boy did it hurt. I didn’t realize 1) how much I twist and turn in a day 2) how often I am up and down 3) how exhausting it could be when you aren’t 100%.

I spent the last hour of my morning daydreaming of the recliner and my ice pack. It wasn’t bad, my back had loosened up throughout the morning but I am so nervous it will lock up and spazz or freak out again.

Starting from the beginning of my workday to the end. It was bookended and I didn’t like it. I have restrictions on lifting and twisting and movement such as that. Makes sense. Well, this morning someone had put a can of ice salt to hold the door open. That’s great and all but I didn’t know how to safely move it. A teacher (who has had movement problems in the past) picked it up with ease. OK. Also, she went up two flights of stairs multiple times to put the chapel service on the computer. I didn’t want to do all those stairs because that is what caused me to be late to work in the first place. What a gem. Then at the end of the day, the doorbell rings. I leave the office to answer and the delivery man leaves a package. I go outside to grab it. I open the door and look at the package and say, out loud, I didn’t think this through. I went back inside asking the principal if he would be so great and pick it up for me. He makes a comment ‘it’s like my wife all over again.” My response, “believe me, not my choice.”

I do not like being restricted so much. I don’t like asking people to do the simplest of things for me like grab a pizza, move a bucket, or pick up a box. I am 22 years old for Pete’s sake and I am asking people older than me to help me out and do things for me. This is ridiculous! I know, it will get better. I am also struggling with the fact that I have never been out this long. a day and a half is the longest I have gone. It has always been my neck affected this bad, it has never been my back. This is all new territory and I don’t understand it.

For the first time in months, I was feeling great! I had bad allergies but I didn’t let that stop me. Other than that, I felt great, my head was clear, I was actually happy again, I was able to spend time with my family and have guests. I am actually happy. Then I get this. Why? To teach me it is ok to ask for help? To teach me to slow down? To teach me I can do a lot and do not take it for granted? I don’t know, what I do know is I am ready for this back to be figured out and Thursday to come. I have a bigger ice pack coming and I am very excited! Oh boy.

Thursday

Oh boy was the morning rough. I got out of bed I was ok. I tried to get dressed…ouch! I must have twisted weird. The only way I could walk or stand and breathe at the same time was by putting pressure on my back in one spot. My arm hurt after doing that for a period of time.

There was also the fact that I could not find a comfortable position. What worked a few minutes before didn’t work a while later.

I did end up going to work. I pushed through and forced myself to go. I really don’t like calling in sick when I am not sick, when I can move it just hurts. So, we took it easy and tried to not make it worse. There was a moment I turned around and must have twisted my back because I had to stop and reposition and gasp for air a second.

Around 11:30 or so it was a lot better. Still very sore but I didn’t have to push on my back anymore. I could walk and breathe at the same time!

My mom and aunt came (thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!) to clean and ready the house for the weekend. They did so much that morning I really appreciate them!

That afternoon I would still hear my mom saying my name every once in a while when I reached or stretched for something but not as often as earlier in the week. I am slowly getting more ok with asking and accepting help. I think the pain pushed me to accept it but we are getting there in any case!

I did more heat and ice rotations all evening to try keeping it calm and loose.

Friday

Oh my goodness. I woke up really stiff but little pain! I decided my first goal for the day was to not twist. My second was to keep breathing. Both were accomplished fairly well. I did end up catching myself twisting but I moved slowly enough I could catch it before going too far.

I was stiff and tight all day but so nervous to stretch too much. I have a full weekend in many ways and couldn’t afford to be flat on the floor again.

This last part of the week I have been waking up around 5 am taking my morning medication getting dressed or taking a shower and dressing then taking ibuprofen and starting ice and heat rotations till 7:30ish when I head to work. These seemed to have helped a lot not only to start my day right but also to keep me well throughout the day.

Normally I would come home around 12ish and do ice and heat rotations for the afternoon or sometimes evening too. Yesterday I did it in the evening but not in the afternoon. Today I did not do it at all. I rested after work but I didn’t do any rotations.

This weekend I have guests so I can’t really use my recliner as I have been. Maybe early mornings I will but the rest of the day I either have to be ok or find a new spot.

This afternoon I was feeling ok enough to sit on my bed. I haven’t been able to do this for any period of time all week. I was able to sit at my table and do paperwork. Again, haven’t really been able to do that comfortably all week. It has been quite a week but today was a really good day. I was actually chipper and happy and feeling good.

I don’t think I overdid it. I am so nervous to overdo it. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow or Sunday and not be able to serve breakfast or do any of my responsibilities this weekend. I have been living in dresses and I think I will continue that through the weekend. I don’t want to have the same issue as I did Tuesday morning. I am not quite ready to pull on pants again.

I am thanking the Lord for all of the wonderfully supportive people in my life today. Everyone has been understanding, helpful, and willing to jump in whenever it is needed.

Thank you Father for giving me a day of peace. I ask you to help me this weekend. I ask you to give me reminders to take it to slow easy and keep working the legs and hips rather than the back 🙂

Tonight I ask you to help me fall asleep easily so I am able to do my work tomorrow. I thank you for all my family, friends, and acquaintances who have been so helpful this week. I thank you especially for my mama who answered her phone early in the morning while I was having much trouble and a bit of panic. Thank you Father for this wonderful life and showing me how incredible the bodies you created are. Everything is connected and one thing taken away can cause everything to shut down.

You are one amazing creator. In Your name, I pray. Amen.

The first day back to school was a success as far as I can tell! I am the one at the beginning of the day who takes the kiddos temps. It went well! Some of them were a tad overwhelmed and concerned but we worked together as a staff to help them out and give them a place to feel welcomed and happy. Of course, it took time but we all got there 🙂 I am working full days this week with my office coworker on vacation. This first day has gone rather well!

I ordered a transparent face shield I hope to come this week. I am not 100% sure it will work with phone answering but I am willing to try it! It does get a little old taking the mask on and off 🙂 After a while, I learned to just have it hang on my ear. Then it was easy to pull up when needed. I don’t have to have it on all the time, you see, I work in my little office all alone. If someone comes in I put it on but I like to breathe, drink and eat without issue therefore it is off most of the time. Also answering phones, for the sake of the person on the other end, is so much easier without a mask. Poor people can’t understand you very well. Especially with the bad connection we often have. It is hard enough to hear and understand people under regular circumstances! 

Anywho, just a quick update from the first day back. Overall the day went very well and pretty easy compared to the trouble it took to get to this point. May God grant those in power with the right decisions as the year goes on. Also, may I ask He grants us less repercussion from the political battle going on in Washington? Thank you, Father!

I am finding it very hard to do my job well with a full heart. 
We are all split into groups and it seems if you are talking with someone who does not agree with you everything is wrong, anger inside boils, and people get hurt. 

I believe that this virus exists. I am not saying it is a hoax. What I am saying is the fear that is going along with it is tearing everyone apart and it needs to stop. The numbers have been lies from the beginning. The “scientific facts” about it have changed as the months have gone by. What every site agrees with is it a type of cold. Don’t fight me. I am tired of arguing. I am tired of the constant pain and judging from everyone to everyone. 

I am finding it hard to work at a place I love when I feel judged every day. When I have to explain why I am doing what I am doing. When there is more sanitizer in the building than we will need for 2 years. 
That wasn’t an exaggeration… Yes, cleaning is good. Yes, we need to be healthy but we have gone way past being healthy and keeping people safe and we have arrived at the point when we aren’t trusting God. We aren’t giving our worries to him. Everyone is freaking out. Everyone is saying we are going to die. I am tired. I am sad. My heart breaks again and again. I want the fear to leave and the faith to take over. 

Everyone is trying to be smart so we don’t have legal issues. So there are no fines or jail time. WE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS JUST TO LIVE. We live in America. The land of the free because of the brave. 

I am worried about this election because there is so much fear. Those with fear are screaming while those who are trusting in God are not being heard or listened to. I do have hope that those who are being ignored are greater than those who are screaming.

Then there is all of the added stress on everyone to please the terrified and follow the new regulations. 

I know many of you will not be thrilled with these notes and thoughts. I am not trying to offend. I am trying to release my frustration. I have written and said many times that this blog is like my journal. It is my place to say what I wish and what is on my mind. I am tired of not saying my mind because I am scared of the feedback. 

My fear is no more. I am tired, I am sassy (not new but more), I am ready to stand by my God shining the Light He has given me. Today I am ready to stand up and say I am not scared. I am tired of the judgment. You have no right to judge me. It is our God’s job and right to judge. Back off or hear and see the Light of our God. I am not going to argue and fight. I am going to stand and smile with God in my heart and on my sleeve. Today is the day the Lord has made. Let us REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT. 

I do not want to hurt anyone. I do not want to be the cause of anyone becoming sick. Guess what? I AM HEALTHY! I have allergies (seriously, who doesn’t.) I cough, I sneeze, I get headaches, My throat has moments of dryness and being sore, I have achy joints and I am short of breath many times throughout the day. I AM NOT SICK! I am a human living in a sinful world where pain and uncomfortableness happens and IS COMMON. 

Psalm 118:6   Faith over fear. Did you notice fear is not capitalized? Did you notice faith is? 

It is really hot this week in August. I am not kidding. It is currently 6:30 am 72 but feels like 80. I have said it before and will continue to say it; I did not realize I moved so far south. Yesterday it was a solid 10 degrees difference from my parent’s place 1.5 hours north-east.

I was going to be productive yesterday and do some yard work. That thought died quickly! I went to the garage and worked on a project…I was my own shower, the fans were going full blast, didn’t help. And now here we are again. Yesterday it got up to feeling like 100 when it was 87. Today is forecast to be about the same I think. BUT the good news is, the rest of the week looks cooler. Yay!

Simply Living Podcast

Tomorrow is a very exciting day. We are recording August’s episode and we have our first guests since the redesign! I will admit I am rather nervous because 1: I am out of practice with interviews, 2: I have never been great with interviews, and 3: I hope my computer doesn’t crash like last time…

Oh, yea my computer decided to glitch out and freeze while Panda and I were recording. It caught up and showed everything that we had said but that put me in a bit of a scare and flurry. I was very happy it all worked out but it makes me rather nervous about my computer. It isn’t that old, but she has given me her fair share of troubles!

Tomorrow is the big day of recording so I hope to get the podcast uploaded by end of Friday. Happy Wednesday!

I went on a 9-day vacation and it was amazing!!! Ok so I was actually on vacation for 7 days but I stayed at my parents for two others soooo yea 9-day vacation sounds good 🙂

This year my mama rented a cabin on Indian Lake in Sugar Camp, WI. This was so absolutely amazing! We did lots of kayaking, games on the porch eating almost every meal on the porch, exploring islands in the lake, and just having an absolute ball! We went up to the UP for a day and visited lake Superior and the Porcupine Mountains (wow lots of hiking.) There are some gorgeous views but it takes it out of you let me tell ya!

The vacation was exactly what I needed and it felt so amazing! The phone was rarely looked at. Checked email only in the morning and the rest of the day were peace and wonderment. We did our tradition and got saltwater taffy and fudge. When you are in the Northwoods you do these things. One day we did mini golf and got stuck in a 5-minute downpour where we got soaked. One brother and I continued to play while the others ran for more of a shelter than the crabapple tree they were under…

This vacation was so much better than last year and so worth the bumpy ride this year. I had an absolute blast learning to drive a boat oh and docking it 🙂 I do believe that was a major highlight of the trip!

Last night marked the first night in over a week that I set an alarm and it kind of hurt. I mean yes it meant there was a steady-ish schedule again but it also meant that I couldn’t walk away from the news or trouble of balancing life. It meant that next morning I was going to be jumping in feet first! And boy did I ever…

When I arrived at work I found a note saying there was an update done to the computer. We each, in the office, had our own username now. Before we were all using one and sharing. Well, the morning started off rough. First, there was no username showing anywhere along with not knowing what the username was, all I had was a password so that was cool. Then there were boxes and papers everywhere that just showed up, the school ran out of printing paper while I was gone…thought for sure we could squeeze another week out of it. Oops, I was wrong. All would have been fine except it was all surprise. I do not do well with surprises. Heads up are GREATLY appreciated.

Anywho after work, I ran an errand went to an appointment and realized I still had little food in the house so I went to burger king for lunch.

After a few hours of wrapping my head around the surprises from this morning, I have more confidence in achieving what needs to be done and doing my work well. Starting fresh is not always bad but when you don’t know you are doing it…that is another story. I am going to mow and work on a project in my garage. Hopefully, I will be able to show that project soon.

God’s blessings to you all!

God our Father, I come to you with a heavy heart, crying eyes and a confused mind. There has been so much this year. I have seen multiple things saying “if I go to sleep 2020 will have been a nightmare right?” “2020…but wait there’s more!” and others that are hard to place without context. I don’t know what to do anymore. You and I just spent some time together and you led me to writing this down.

You know Lord that I just read something that shook me and rattled me harder than others have. I need to go to bed. God, I don’t know if I will wake up refreshed.

This week I have been exhausted before I get out of bed I am ready for the night. I know I have had a busy week and it isn’t going to slow down any time soon. My ears have heard a lot and my eyes have seen a lot but I come to you tonight to grant all of us peace.

I am tired of my mind constantly racing. My ears are tired of the repeated noise. My body feels sick from the constant clenching. I want to scream but don’t have the guts. I want to cry but don’t have the strength.

Today in the sermon you showed me the verses from Romans 8:26-27. You talk about when we don’t know what else to do that we should come to you. Come to you in prayer, that’s what your words say. That the Holy Spirit works out the words in us.

Father I heard you this morning and I call out to you tonight. Please give us peace, give us knowledge. Please guide our hearts, minds and actions. I am on my knees in your presence, your child. I need your guidance; your almighty help.

Jesus, I thank you for saving me. I thank you for dying for my sins so in my Father’s eyes I am holy. Holy Spirit I reach out to you with thanks. You work and build my faith for when I was lost, I did not know who to turn to. Father, I thank you for your ear. Your time and your guidance. Amen.

This was supposed to go up a month ago…technology does not always work the way we would like it to. So here it is a tad bit late 🙂

Today is one of my favorite holidays. Sure it was always nice when it landed on a weekday but Saturday works too 🙂

Independence Day is a day filled with history, USA pride, family, cookouts, celebrations. Everyone celebrates differently. Some are snobs and don’t think today is a big deal (yes I know that was a smidge harsh but we are going with it). Then there are those who are on the lake…all day. Some sit by their grill surrounded by family eating food, laughing, and playing games. Some are working.

Usually, I am in the group of grilling, games, and family time. This year looks a little different. This morning I am working then I am going to my parent’s place but they won’t be there…I am dog sitting for them. They are celebrating with my brother in South Dakota. Yes, I am a little hurt I won’t be grilling with them today, I am sad there won’t be games and family time but I do get to spend some time with two beautiful silly dogs 🙂 Tonight I am going down to the lake to watch the fireworks or sit on my porch and read a book. I haven’t decided yet…

Our founding fathers may have made some mistakes. They may have done things differently than what we would do today. BUT you have to admit, they did a pretty awesome job setting the footwork for this country. There is an audiobook type…ok Adventures in Odyssey: Star-Spangled stories. This is audio I use to listen to when I was younger. It resonates in my head probably more than is healthy. There are 2 stories. “The Day Independence Came” and “By Dawn’s Early Light.” They talk about the revolution and the day the US’s Anthem was written. It brings a realism to what the anthem says. It brings perspective and remembrance to our founding fathers and the citizens of that time. Those who gave their lives, their heart, and their time so we could be here today. How super cool is that???

I remember these stories sticking with me when I was younger and how I am so appreciative of them to this day. Of course, there were other adventures in odyssey stories I listened to as well but this one is probably my favorite.

Happy Independence Day! God Bless.

I am doing great. Man the last time I said that was so long ago! But I am doing so much better!

First

My health has improved! I am not having panic attacks once a week. I am not having unbearable aches and pains with my stress AND I am actually happy most of the time! My smiles are real, my eyes are open and happy and I am humming 🙂

Second

My insurance claim (which was opened in September 2019) is closed!! The past 10 months, have shown me to be patient and kind and to breathe.

Third

Business has picked up! I am getting calls and emails every week. Some for planning a few months ahead and some planning for that week. I am so thankful my prayers have been answered. Honestly, I was scared because of the enormous fear built up that no one would want to travel. That my business would really suffer this year and ultimately having to make yet another big decision whether to continue or shut down. The scare is squashed. I am the only Bed and breakfast in town that is operating at this time. The other bed and breakfast owner is the sweetest person! She has been getting calls and sending them my way. I called her the other day to thank her and she and I had a nice chat and I loved it so much!

Fourth

My house is starting to look and feel like home again. With the damage and all the work that needed to be done, I was having a really hard time being here. BUT this week changed all of that! I finally had decent weather (it has been incredibly humid) to paint my back porch. Now, of course, there is more painting to do, like the post, railing, and details but the biggest painting job is done! I put flower post and my rocking bench that was in the hasta garden up on the porch for a place to sit and it looks so cute and welcoming!

Of course, the plants planted will take a little while to perk up BUT I was finally able to plant them outside! The plants were to go out in spring. However, I did not know where to put them. Then yesterday (though it was super humid again) I worked outside a bit and finished putting porch together!

Friday my mama came in the morning and helped me clean up the front gardens along the sidewalk. They look so much better! Thank you mama!!!!

We pulled weeds, gathered plants so you could differentiate all of them, sprayed weed killer then laid new mulch!

What’s next?

The next project is to finish painting the front porch. I need to paint all of the details…so all the red and beige. I have been putting it off as long as I can mostly because it will require great patience and time 🙂

Thank you God!

I wanted to take a moment to thank God. This year has been rough and I have spent time reflecting on everything. I have become closer to friends, and to family. Learned to be more open and share my troubles as well as ask others how they are doing. I am so thankful that my relationships have grown in strength and knowledge of one another.

This winter, I sat down to write many times. I am still not 100% sure what I am going to say. But, I have a few minutes this morning so I thought I would write something.

This winter was not good. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good. The storm, damage and dealing with everyone involved really messed me up. I don’t know how people who lose everything work with the people involved and keep their heads on. Maybe because they are older and wiser? Maybe because they already learned the gumption part needed? I don’t know but, what I do know is I have learned a LOT!

I have learned how to have gumption when I am talking to people about getting things done. I have learned that not everyone can be at your begging 24/7 thought they say call anytime. I have learned that some people just aren’t good at their job. I have learned that some people really don’t care about you if you can’t give them exactly what they are looking for. I learned people are afraid to tell you straight up if something is or isn’t going to work. I got left in the dust without knowing it so many times these past few months. I was ignored, forgotten about, lost in the pile, pushed to the side. Which ever way you want to title it, that happened a lot. It wasn’t just the big name companies it was also the local, small, family owned businesses.

I never want to do that to someone. I never want to hide my thoughts. If I don’t think something is going to work I am going to flat out say it. I have a few stories already where I had to turn down business because the offer was sketchy, the business was NOT what my place is for or about.

I have also learned that I do not do well when I am depending on other people before I can do my thing. I REALLY need to work on that. I have worked on my patience for years. I think I wrote a post about it actually… I can be very patient. Until this year. We are a little over 8 months now and my anxiety is now uncontrolled. I have had panic attacks at least once a week since April. Sometimes it is the same topic or similar but other times it is just my brain WAY over doing it and panicking. I have found something to help calm me if I let it. I have found something that I am trying to use to real my anxiety back in. This last week I had a panic attack Sunday night and Monday night. Both had me crying. Both had me terrified.

If you don’t know me, I am not a cryer. I don’t cry until I am about to blow. Until I have hit my breaking point. Until my hormones go SUPER wacky. This first time I cried this year was back in April. I had hit my breaking point. I was leaving my parents and hugging my mom goodbye. The next 3 weekends when I would hug my mom goodbye I would start crying. I don’t cry. I get emotional yes but I don’t cry. If I do cry it is a tear or two and that’s it. Those weekends, I cried. This past week, I cried.

My struggle with anxiety and moments of depression are nowhere near over. They are nowhere near being “fixed.” I have found someone to talk to about it. I have found someone who understands.

At the end of 2019, I had fevers daily for months not really thinking about it until someone pointed it out. I had an infection. The begging of the year started off with my being so sore and stiff somedays I could barely move. I worked overwinter on calming myself and trying to find other ways to relieve stress. My soreness and stiffness are now back down to normal. Spring came around and I started having panic attacks. It wasn’t horrible at first but then I had an attack at work. I was sitting at my computer and I still remember that moment perfectly.

I was sitting at my computer trying to get a program to work. It wasn’t working. Not a shocker, that particular program doesn’t always work and takes a LOT of concentration and thinking to get it to do what you want. Anywho, as I was doing that there were people outside in the hall talking. Everything got super loud, my vision started to go, my heart was racing I felt like I could barely breathe. I knew I needed to get out of the office and away from everyone. I didn’t want them to see me falling apart. I wanted to keep that part of my life away from the office so very badly.

I grabbed my phone, grabbed the flash drive, and my keys, and ran upstairs. I had to put Sundays things on the computer anywho. Working and in a quiet place. Good. I started texting my person and they calmed me down reminded me what to do. Talked to me. Asked if I wanted to call and talk. I couldn’t do it. I could barely breathe let alone talk and I was at work. I didn’t want anyone there to hear me. No, I sat upstairs for a little while taking my time uploading the Sunday things at breathing. Calming down.

After that instance I knew it was bad and out of control and I needed to work on calming down. I have not gotten a hang on it at all but I am aware and know. That’s the first step right? Admitting you have a problem? Then the second finding someone you trust to help you. Then third fixing.I don’t know if this is something that I can “fix” but I am going to try. I can’ live my life in fear of the next attack. I can’t live my life knowing that something, anything can trigger something like that at any point while doing anything. It isn’t safe, it isn’t smart, it needs to end.

I am asking for your prayers.

I guess I found my words and what to say 🙂

Until next time. Stay safe my friends.