Hello old Friends

This winter, I sat down to write many times. I am still not 100% sure what I am going to say. But, I have a few minutes this morning so I thought I would write something.

This winter was not good. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good. The storm, damage and dealing with everyone involved really messed me up. I don’t know how people who lose everything work with the people involved and keep their heads on. Maybe because they are older and wiser? Maybe because they already learned the gumption part needed? I don’t know but, what I do know is I have learned a LOT!

I have learned how to have gumption when I am talking to people about getting things done. I have learned that not everyone can be at your begging 24/7 thought they say call anytime. I have learned that some people just aren’t good at their job. I have learned that some people really don’t care about you if you can’t give them exactly what they are looking for. I learned people are afraid to tell you straight up if something is or isn’t going to work. I got left in the dust without knowing it so many times these past few months. I was ignored, forgotten about, lost in the pile, pushed to the side. Which ever way you want to title it, that happened a lot. It wasn’t just the big name companies it was also the local, small, family owned businesses.

I never want to do that to someone. I never want to hide my thoughts. If I don’t think something is going to work I am going to flat out say it. I have a few stories already where I had to turn down business because the offer was sketchy, the business was NOT what my place is for or about.

I have also learned that I do not do well when I am depending on other people before I can do my thing. I REALLY need to work on that. I have worked on my patience for years. I think I wrote a post about it actually… I can be very patient. Until this year. We are a little over 8 months now and my anxiety is now uncontrolled. I have had panic attacks at least once a week since April. Sometimes it is the same topic or similar but other times it is just my brain WAY over doing it and panicking. I have found something to help calm me if I let it. I have found something that I am trying to use to real my anxiety back in. This last week I had a panic attack Sunday night and Monday night. Both had me crying. Both had me terrified.

If you don’t know me, I am not a cryer. I don’t cry until I am about to blow. Until I have hit my breaking point. Until my hormones go SUPER wacky. This first time I cried this year was back in April. I had hit my breaking point. I was leaving my parents and hugging my mom goodbye. The next 3 weekends when I would hug my mom goodbye I would start crying. I don’t cry. I get emotional yes but I don’t cry. If I do cry it is a tear or two and that’s it. Those weekends, I cried. This past week, I cried.

My struggle with anxiety and moments of depression are nowhere near over. They are nowhere near being “fixed.” I have found someone to talk to about it. I have found someone who understands.

At the end of 2019, I had fevers daily for months not really thinking about it until someone pointed it out. I had an infection. The begging of the year started off with my being so sore and stiff somedays I could barely move. I worked overwinter on calming myself and trying to find other ways to relieve stress. My soreness and stiffness are now back down to normal. Spring came around and I started having panic attacks. It wasn’t horrible at first but then I had an attack at work. I was sitting at my computer and I still remember that moment perfectly.

I was sitting at my computer trying to get a program to work. It wasn’t working. Not a shocker, that particular program doesn’t always work and takes a LOT of concentration and thinking to get it to do what you want. Anywho, as I was doing that there were people outside in the hall talking. Everything got super loud, my vision started to go, my heart was racing I felt like I could barely breathe. I knew I needed to get out of the office and away from everyone. I didn’t want them to see me falling apart. I wanted to keep that part of my life away from the office so very badly.

I grabbed my phone, grabbed the flash drive, and my keys, and ran upstairs. I had to put Sundays things on the computer anywho. Working and in a quiet place. Good. I started texting my person and they calmed me down reminded me what to do. Talked to me. Asked if I wanted to call and talk. I couldn’t do it. I could barely breathe let alone talk and I was at work. I didn’t want anyone there to hear me. No, I sat upstairs for a little while taking my time uploading the Sunday things at breathing. Calming down.

After that instance I knew it was bad and out of control and I needed to work on calming down. I have not gotten a hang on it at all but I am aware and know. That’s the first step right? Admitting you have a problem? Then the second finding someone you trust to help you. Then third fixing.I don’t know if this is something that I can “fix” but I am going to try. I can’ live my life in fear of the next attack. I can’t live my life knowing that something, anything can trigger something like that at any point while doing anything. It isn’t safe, it isn’t smart, it needs to end.

I am asking for your prayers.

I guess I found my words and what to say 🙂

Until next time. Stay safe my friends.