The Start Of Old And New

Warning: This blog post is all over the place…and long.

I am starting my second year at college. I am starting at a new college, with a new degree but I am still going to school. Just like I have been for the last maybe 15ish years of my life? For some reason even with all these years when I first did that math I got 21 years of school…I quickly figured out that was not right. Going to school more years than you have even been alive sounded just slightly off.

I am starting at a new school like some other friends of mine are. Some are starting new as a freshman going into high school. Another is starting as a freshman going into college. Others are just doing what they were doing last year.

I have found that one of the hardest questions to answer is “how are you doing?” People, I am going to flat out say, I do not know. I have found that I don’t know what to think or how to think what I am thinking, let alone put it all in words. I am excited to start this school year but I don’t know exactly what to think about everything. Some friends are three hours away, some are 30 min. But the one I have become most close with is one of the 3 hour away friends. We were texting Sunday night talking about the start of classes and what we are doing and feeling. She said when she saw it was me who texted she lost it. She is more homesick than she thought she was. I know it is weird but I feel homesick sometimes too…and I am home. I don’t know why. Some days it just feels off and not like it use to. I am starting to treasure all the moments I have because it has started to hit me, everything I know and love can be gone in an instant. I don’t want to think about losing the people, or the animals, or the memories that I have grown up with. I use to try to distract myself when I got like this. I use to ignore it and just “suck it u buttercup”. Now? I can’t. I can’t seem to face it the same way. I have become so emotional and attached and clingy to things that lately anything that happens I get mixed feelings about…I get really emotional and touchy.
It hit me a few days ago the hardest. We were cleaning up from a thrift sale we had. The talk was, what do we want to keep and what do we want to give away? Really the entire thrift sale was hard for me because all I saw were memories walking down the driveway and leaving. “I know it is earthly possessions and we won’t need them in heaven. We are down here till God takes us home. Shouldn’t we be comfortable and happy while here? Well, as much as we can anyways with living in a sin filled world.” This is what I was thinking those days. Then it hit me. It doesn’t matter if we have everything in our hands. We have the memories and the love in our hearts. We don’t need the possessions. With Hurricane Harvey going on in Texas right now I have been thinking about all those affected. They are losing everything. Everything of theres is lost. The things that we gave away are going to be given to someone who is going to use it all. The people in Texas didn’t have a choice, I did.

That was all quite selfish but it was true. I am ashamed that I am a sinner. Life would be so miserable without Jesus. Those who don’t have Jesus in their lives I don’t know how they can say they are happy. Jesus makes everyday so much better.

Going back to the school thing.
I am scared. I mean, I am excited for this program and it is a dream of mine to open a bed and breakfast but, I am scared I am on the wrong path again. That next year or part way into this year is going to be like last year and I am not going to have this dream any more or this dream will change slightly or something. I am scared that I am making a mistake. I know it isn’t a mistake to take this course necessarily no matter what I end up doing in the future but, I still have a feeling of uneasiness. I don’t know what the feeling is exactly.

(New day, new thought.)

Never in my life did I think I would have a Facebook. Honestly, I could have lived without it. I most likely won’t post anything. I only have one because of school. One of my classes requires Facebook. Now I can also be updated on family and friends lives. 🙂 I am a snoop.

I have also decided that I need library time. Not only to get homework done, but to also have time out of the house. I love my home! I really truly do! I just need to not be locked up in one place for long periods of time…I start to go crazy…more than usual.

I am stressed. I will not lie, I will not sugar coat it. I am stressed. Mostly about school but various other things that I seem to not be able to let go of. Some of my favorite coping mechanisms are as follows; 1. shuffling cards. I honestly just shuffled cards for a few hours in a row. 2. Baking. You may have noticed a post or two back that I had recipes I did. Those were mostly stress baked. 3. Driving and singing along to the music playing. Yes grandma, I do this safely. 🙂 I have to admit, country roads are some of my favorite. 4. Clean and organize. This is something I should do also when I am not stressed. I must admit, this one goes both ways. I clean and I clutter when I am stressed. it’s more of, what do I want to do. 5. Watch movies. This is one I did way to much last year. This year it is my goal to not watch as many…it isn’t going so well. BUT! I am learning and trying. I have notes and reminders not to do so…much of these are in my head. Believe it or not, my conscious actually does work and I fight hard, but the good does win. 6. Call or talk to my friends. This usually ends up becoming a mentor session or a complaining session but we do it to each other giving each other advice and strength. My favorite ones are when the word is given as a strengthener. God is more powerful than any humans words ever could be. 🙂

Ok, time for bed. I am tired, stressed and need to chill. Goodnight moon! Oh, and I suppose all of you too 🙂